Pie-ometer

                             Review & Score Of Pies From Around The World

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NEVER return to a pie once it’s gone cold!

Pie Risk Assessment

                                          Bathing Beauty Mel’s Pie Chart

The ’34′ League Table.

1, Goole AFC. from Step 5 Reviewed (here) – 18.9

2, Barnoldswick Town from Step 18 Reviewed (here) – 17.4

3, AFC Blackpool. from Step 1 Reviewed (here) – 15.8

4, Shepshed Dynamo from Step 15 Reviewed (here) – 15.7

5, Accrington Stanley from Step 17 Reviewed (here) – 15.6

6, Stockport County from Step 19 Reviewed (here) – 15.4

7, Winsford United from Step 6 Reviewed (here) – 13.9

8, AFC Fylde from Step 9 Reviewed (here) – 13.8

9, FC United from Step 8 Reviewed (here) – 13.6

10, Buxton FC from Step 12 Reviewed (here) – 13.5

11, Hyde FC from Step 11 Reviewed (here) – 13.4

12, Ashton United from Step 7 Reviewed (here) – 13.1

13, Preston North End. Step 13 Reviewed (here) – 12.4

14, Droylsden FC. Step 14 Reviewed (here) – 12.2

15, Cheadle Town from Step 10 Reviewed (here) – 10.8

16, Macclesfield Town from step 20 Reviewed (here) – 9.4

17, Abbey Hey FC. from Step 4 Reviewed (here) – N/A

18, FC Halifax Town from Step 16 Reviewed (here) – N/A

19, Irlam FC. from Step 3 Reviewed (here) – N/A

20, New Mills AFC. from Step 2 Reviewed (here) – N/A

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28. The Coll’s Corker!

Rhino – The last pie report of the season and can the Northwich Nosher’s impressive top score of 17.5 out of 20 be beaten? With a score of 9.2 from me and an 8.3 from the B.A.P.S. it was going to have to be something a bit special to knock Northwich off the top spot.

I had already reviewed the Wembley pie at the semi final stage so a trip to a ground we hadn’t been to yet was needed before the cup final. Atherton Colleries v Abbey Hey in a North West Counties League game was just the ticket for me, can’t go wrong with Lancashire pies if you ask me, especially when they’re home grown so off i went in full-on pie inspector mode.

The Coll’s had been told i was coming and had made an extra effort on my behalf! Nice! There was a gaggle of bloggers at Alder Street that night to help out with this ‘cup final’ pie review, Joe the Ref, young Gibbo, Tony 1 Leg & Burkey the ‘more ginger than he thinks’.

Whittakers of nearby Tyldesley have provided the fayre for tonight’s game, a local firm i had heard of but never actually tried before. I was told on arrival that a pie had been reserved for me in the canteen to avoid any disappointment i may have if they sell out too soon at half time.

A meat & potato was my choice for the last review of the season and very nice it was too! Oval in shape measuring a very impressive 112mm across at its longest point & a huge 74mm of depth to fill up with savoury treats. A meat packed monster of a pie with excellent gravy & just the right amount of accompanying potatoes, very tasty! Reasonably priced & presented on a familiar polystyrene tray with well prepared Bovril on the side made the Coll’s Corker one of the most enjoyable half time snacks on tour! It would of gained a perfect 10 from me if they had not of sold out on the night so i had to deduct half a point unfortunately. Well done Atherton.

Mel B. –  I was so glad when the boys called in at the pub on their way back from Wembley & presented me with the little FA Cup. It gave me a chance to sit down with the Rhino and decide on who was to finish top of the table in half time treats this season. A high scoring 9.5 from him meant a good score from me could see the Corker taking the title, but after deducting the half point for running out of stock i had to deduct a further 1.6 points for blatant cheating by drafting in superior products to impress visiting dignitaries! The crown belongs to the Northwich Vic’s this season, nice try Atherton but nothing gets past me and my BAPS :-)

BBM Rating –  Agüero (meat packed, very tasty Corker! Nuff said)

Score out of 20 – 17.4 

27. The Wembley Wallet Buster!

Rhino – where to start with this one! on arrival at Wembley i decided to go & check out the pie counter straight away. the queues didn’t seem too bad so i took up my position and got my kit on. Recently Mel B. Questioned my commitment to pie reporting so i’ve invested in a hat, pipe, ruler, thermometer & a magnifying glass to show her i’m taking this job seriously & i just hoped the staff at Wembley would be up to this very important review also.

With 10 minutes to go before kickoff & for reasons i just have no explanation for, Wembley close their pie counters! I demanded a reason for this outrageous action & i was told if was standard practice due to the stadium’s views on alcohol, “but i don’t want any beer i just want a pie” i told the young JLS fan behind the counter as the electric shutter was slowly closing, but he just looked at me with that ‘blank stare’ teenage boys have until the shutter had closed completely! I was quickly surrounded by security people asking me NOT to take photos of the staff & i feared i may be ejected from the ground. I looked around for my 1 legged friend to back me up but he had of course hopped it!

Back in the queue at half time i got the chance to take a photo of the price list, wow! The dearest pie on tour by far & as much as i scanned the various advertising boards there was no sign of Bovril?!? Handcrafted pies were a mere £4.50 each! So i ordered a chicken balti and a beef & onion which was the only options available, steering away from the £8.30 pie & a pint ‘meal deal’! with nowhere to sit or stand to review this expensive food we had to return to our seats for me to get my kit on & jot down my comments, the people around us found this very strange for some reason?

Both pies were pretty much the same, poor textured pastry that just couldn’t handle the weight of the filling once a bite had been taken. The filling was good i have to say but if it wasn’t kept in the silver foil tray it came in, it just fell apart. in fact once 1 Leg had taken his 2nd bite from the beef & onion the rest of it just fell to the ground & at £4.50 this was somewhat soul destroying. The balti measured 108mm across & 63mm deep and it defiantly had the goods but once again, go anywhere near it…. it will just collapse in a heap. poor show Wembley, must do better.

Mel B. – i’ve got very mixed feelings here, i’m thrilled that the Rhino has gone to the trouble of buying a pie reporters kit! Dedication like that will earn you a seat on the bus at my Bovril And Pie Society’s end of season night out, remember this will be a black tie evening so formal dress only ;-)

But on the other hand, i’m really disappointed that our national stadium can’t provide the essentials at a reasonable price for fans of the beautiful game! C’mon Wembley this sport was built on pies & Bovril and you’ve lost your way a bit there creating this wonderful new home of football, remember your roots! You will need to take in another game somewhere before your next visit to Wembley for your final report of the season & remember when my BAPS are out turn up with your kit off.

BBB Rating – Ashley Young (it’s got the goods but go near it & it will fall in a heap on the floor)

Score out of 20 – 8.4


26. The Maine Munch!

Rhino – the fact the weather was warm & sunny didn’t put me off my duties in bringing you a pie report from ‘Stade de Brantingham’ it just means i have to give everything a good airing before ordering any hot stuff, and talking about hot stuff i’m told today’s pie seller is Mrs. M.Ilf from just down the road in Moss Side.

After a quick check of the price list all seems to be ok, Holland’s Steak & Kidney and Meat & Potato pies are on offer at £1.50 as well as a choice of soups & of course Bovril at £1 a cup, and i was very pleased to see the Bovril granules being used in the correct fashion – ‘a spoonful of Bovril, then half a spoon more’

The dish was presented in its own foil with a napkin & plastic fork. I had opted for the meat & potato so didn’t need the fork but kept the napkin close to hand just in case i had a pastry cave-in or collapse that can happen with a Hollands if not handled correctly, all in all it was what you would expect & i feel that a better inspection kit is needed for further pies of this nature in future reports. Superb Borvril though, M.Ilf’s young apprentice has been tought well in the ways of Beefy Goodness.

Mel B. – yes all too often we come across Hollands in the sporting arena & as you say, more scrutiny is probably what’s needed from now on. Nice to see you taking this reviewing job seriously & with your trip to Wembley imminent we need a full on review of their fine feyre.

Very impressed that the perfect Bovril procedure is being used at Maine Rd. and points will be added for that although It’s hard to rate something that’s been seen time after time at grounds all over the country and is pretty much the same wherever you go but M.Ilf did her best with the equipment provided & she’s welcome to join my BAPS anytime.

BBM Rating – Giggs (been around for years & years pretty much the same wherever you go)

Score out of 20 – 14.2

25. The Curzon Captain

Rhino – Fear not pie fans! Knowing we were returning to Stamford Bridge i looked around for another game to bring you a pie review from. Step up Joe Lawton, otherwise known as @lawtonjoe a fellow blogger & pie lover, Joe invited us down to watch his local team Curzon Ashton take on Skelmersdale United in a recent league game & i used this opportunity to do a pie report for today.

First things first, the staff were very friendly & spoke with that strange Ashton accent that make Buses sound like buzzes as well as chopping letters out of sentences to make ‘top of the hill’ become ‘top o-th’ill’ which is very strange indeed as Ashton is only about 3 mile away from where i live!

However i cannot let the friendliness of the staff stand in the way of the sad news i must bring you from Ashton, OXO is dispensed when the price list quite clearly indicates that Bovril is to be had! I know what you’re thinking, i should inform trading standards immediately but in their defence the staff did inform people it was OXO & not Bovril when purchases were made and it wasn’t me that ordered.

I opted for the Steak & Kidney once i had noticed that Holland’s was the favoured brand in the Curzon kitchen, although it’s top was a little pale looking it was still the meat-filled captain of the Holland’s pie army you can always rely on, delivering the goods with every bite.

Mel B. – well i’m sorry but all too often this ‘selling OXO as Bovril’ seems to be going on and of course being the president of the Bovril And Pie Society i will have to take the appropriate action at Curzon unless they can rectify this as soon as poss. I don’t want to get the Society out and go up there but i will if i have to ladies, and trust me the last thing you want is my BAPS in your face!

The Holland’s steak & kidney, you’re right of course Johnny it is a captain of the pie range & always has enough chunks within to satisfy any girl but i don’t like the idea of it looking pale on top. A quick brush with beaten egg or even a little milk will have this baby looking as good as it tastes when it comes out of the oven, when you know it’s going to satisfy, and someone has taken time & a bit of effort to make it look good as well, then i would be first in the que to nosh one off!

BBM Rating – Valderrama  (pale topped but meat packed Columbian Captain that always delivered)

Score out of 20 – 14.3

24. The Brummie Belter

Rhino – what a fantastic surprise to find ‘Peters Pies’ on offer at St. Andrews. Peters are one of my favourite brands from club canteens & i was looking forward to tucking into this meat-packed monster! A choice of pies kept well segregated in the Lincat C6H/100B i opted for the Meat & Potato & incorporating a Bovril gave me the £4.30 meal deal.  As expected it was as good as it looked, British beef with pieces of potato rather than the mush you get in other brands makes this a real crowd pleaser. The branded Bovril was a good enough compliment once the temperature had cooled a little as it was served scalding hot, not good when you’re squeezing through a crowd of people looking for an adequate space to eat. Still, i’m going to rate the Brummie Belter quite highly with only the temperature of the Bovril tarnishing a near perfect score from this pie reporter.

Mel B. – excellent news from Birmingham as Peters are not often found at championship level, individually wrapped pies are always a welcome site & it’s well worth paying the extra for them as you never know where others have had their fingers before serving you! The staff at St. Andrews should be aware that people are looking to take anyone to court for anything these days & selling scalding hot drinks without the appropriate warnings on the cups may well lead to them paying out fortunes in compensation claims. Other than that, well done Brummies no need for me to get my BAPS out for this one.

BBM Rating – Lampard (Good Looking British Beef)

Score out of 20 – 17.8


23. The Chelsea Cheap Cheat

Rhino – lots of different outlets all selling the same thing at The Bridge so my first port of call was as good as any. An expensive price list as you would expect in that London but only a choice of 3 pies! Beef & Onion, Chiken Balti & Veg Balti with no sign of a meat & potato anywhere. After looking at the pies people were eating i spotted what i thought was a really good deal, a ‘trio of pies’ for £5.50! this looked like excellent value as individual pies were selling for £3.50 each. My 1 legged friend was nowhere to be seen but he had been on his phone more than an Asian shop keeper for most of the day and i was confident he would go for this cheaper option once he returned. So i parted with £9.10 for 2 Bovrils & a pie treble…. i was disappointed to say the least!

3 pies turned out to be 3 bites! They could of mentioned this in the advertising! The 3 tiny little pies on a tray looked more like them mushroom things people don’t eat at a wedding buffet rather than pies. They wasn’t even that good, one of each of the 3 options that were on offer because there was no others to choose from & they were more puff pastry than filling & left me feeling very let down. Tony returned and only stopped laughing at my purchase when i demanded the £4.55 off him for his half!

The Bovril was scolding hot and had to be left for ages to cool before the flavour could be enjoyed but with pre measured, factory issued branded cups it was adequate enough once at temperature.

Mel B. – once i had found out that it wasn’t Pukka pies at Stamford Bridge,i was hoping for a better selection or choice from a brand i hadn’t heard of before from Chelsea, but looking at the photos you have taken is ‘Traditional’ a brand name? I’m not sure so i’ll bring it up at the next BAPS meeting. Maybe the staff at Chelsea should pre warn customers that the trio option is more like a kids happy meal especially when dealing with away fans or people with Northern monkey accents like you two.

only a choice of 3 flavours isn’t very good for such a big club but maybe they only have a limited supplier and to use puff pastry for savoury fillings just isn’t right (or maybe it’s a Southern thing) football clubs should stick to what’s right.. meat & potato, steak & kidney or even cheese & onion, fans don’t want anything as continental as a Balti-style pie they’re here for the football not out on a date.

Johnny, did you not try blowing on the Bovril? This comes up time after time at our meetings and we are all in agreement that when you come up against something that’s ‘hot’ a good blow job is what’s needed & always works.

BBM Rating – Palacios (William, Johnny & Jerry were all in the Honduras World Cup squad only because they had no one else to pick from & they wasn’t very good)

Score out of 20 – 10.3

22. The Rangers Rascal

Rhino – full on pie report for the lovely Mel from QPR this time, well almost. I take my place in the que giving me opportunity to take a picture of the price list, i eventually get to the front & after a quick shot of the pies on display the fella behind the counter asks me for my order. I order 2 pies & 2 Bovrils for myself & my 1 legged friend and i’m told the pies are not ready yet! “but the pie warmer is full… look” i tell the guy, “yeah i know, but they’re not ready yet” now i don’t pretend to be any sort of master chef but i’m sure you cook pies in an oven and then keep them in a warmer don’t you? So after demanding 2 pies as i don’t want to que up again, he reluctantly sells me them and there was nothing wrong with them???… well for Pukka pies anyway.

The Bovril was tepid as well, about 12 degrees below temperature & a weak taste; i was expecting to find resistance from un-dissolved Bovril granules at the bottom of the cup as i send my plastic fork into the brown abyss to stir it back into full flavoured life but alas…. nothing.

Mel B – well i was hoping that Loftus Rd. would be one of the first grounds to score high on the pie-ometer as we enter the final stages of your cup run but it seems that Monday’s national pie day came & went without the QPR staff even noticing. Having a pie that’s perfectly good for everyone else can’t be held back just because you don’t think it’s ready is just bad management! I’m going to have to get my BAPS out on a day trip to the Capital as it seems you guys are Pukka’d at every turn and you need educating by us simple Northern folk! As for the Bovril… i’m not even going there!

BBM Rating – Oxlade Chamberlain (ready to go but being held back)

Score out of 20 – 11.4


21. The Q.P.R. (Quick Pie Review)

Rhino – very tricky this pie review, but nice title! We’re in the media suite or press room for our half time snack at Loftus Rd. and the rules for taking photos are very strict…. you can’t take any! Not sure why but i thought it best not to ask as i had already took a quickie of the free stew & Bovril that me & 1 Leg was about to wolf down! Although it didn’t look very nice it actually tasted lovely and hit the spot on a cold night in that London.

So i always have a backup plan for occasions like this & tonight was no exception. On the short walk to the ground i popped into a local Co-op for a pork & pickle twin pack! Yet again it was a covert operation to take a picture of this tidy, good looking pie with a bit of pickle built into it for added flavour although controversial. The Bovril was spot on & served at the correct temperature with a properly advertised cup, and i’m pleased to report that Tony also enjoyed the hot beefy drink.

Mel B. – well i’m not too sure if you have acted within the rules of the pie-ometer page here Johnny, i have stated in the past that if no pies are available you must go out & find a local bakers to report on their offerings. With this being a night game i’ll let it go this time but only because you at least tried by calling at a local Co-op, and took the twin pack into Loftus Rd. with you, although you could quite easily call at any Co-op on your travels.

In other BAPS news i have been issued with a certificate by the British Association of Aesthetic Plastic Surgeons (Baaps) stating that all my ladies are PIP implant free! Not so sure about the BOOBS from the other side of town!?!

BBM Rating – Barton  (a tidy, good looker & a bit controversial)

Score out of 20 – 0 (Co-op pie = epic fail)

20. The Kiddy Kidder?

Rhino – there i am stood in the check out que in the local Asda when 1 Leg texts me saying that fellow blogger Joe Gibbo has email’d him saying his school has filtered & blocked the pie-ometer page! Outraged by this pie enthusiast, Joe demanded an answer from the schools IT department and was told “due to offensive or pornographic material” so i immediately ring my 1 legged friend…

“Where’s the porn?” i shouted down the phone as he answered, i then realised that everyone around me in Asda had no idea what i was on about & had just heard me shout that down the phone! So i quickly bought my stuff & moved on!

On with the pie! Well Mel’s going to be proud of me on this one, home made by a local firm, a total one-off, packed with meat and topped with fluffy mash potato. Although somewhat on the expensive side at £4 a go, it hit the spot perfectly once i had given it a little added kick with some pepper. Kidderminster really let their selves down by not having any Bovril on offer at all! Fortunately there was no Oxo either to tempt Tony off the wagon, tea of coffee was the only hot beverages on offer but they did however boast a “famous” Aggborough Soup at £1.50 a cup. To be fair this was very nice indeed & when i asked of its contents, the answer from the staff (who for some reason wish to remain anonymous) was “It’s got everything in there!”

Mel B. – well i’m not too sure about this one Johnny, it’s a bit like ‘when is a pie not a pie?’ i gathered the rest of the Bovril And Pie Society to discuss if a ‘pie’ has to be fully encased in pastry or not? & up to now the jury is still out! I’ll be asking the twitter world for their comments on whether or not they think the Kiddy is a Kidder or not as well. Still it seems you have found yourself a meat-packed little battleship of a ‘pie’ although unusual to look at it’s surprisingly good. REALLY not happy that Bovril isn’t on sale at Aggborough, this country has won wars in the past because of that beefy elixir! So until the B.A.P.Society tell me otherwise i’m going to score & rate this as a ‘pie’ but it may be removed from the pie chart at a later date once the last few votes are in from my girls…. so hurry up… come on my BAPS!

BBM Rating – Balotelli (strange looking, meat-packed, expensive battleship of a pie)

Score out of 20 – 14.4

19. The MK Muncher! (or not?)

Rhino – ok i blew it back at Stadium MK & left it too long before i went for a pie at half time, but i always have a backup plan! Recently we went to Ashton United & while we were there i made a few notes & took a few shots of their half time offerings. With Tony now receiving counselling for his current condition i asked Joe Gibbo! A Bolton fan & fellow blogger to assist me in the review. Carr’s bakery of Stalybridge supply the goods to Ashton and they are to be commended for their efforts as this was one of the best pies i’ve had so far! This meat & potato feast was so good i went back and purchased it’s steak & kidney brother, a completely different pie but just as good.

Well priced and well kept in the familiar ‘Belling Keep-Warm’ it wouldn’t surprise me to see either or both of these babies in any national pie league. Joe agreed with me as he struggled to finish the hearty, meat packed delight. It was a big day for Joe as this was to be his first ever Bovril & i was honoured to be there to see the look on his face after his first sip. However this is where this story turns sour, Joe’s face after tasting the beefy goodness did not have the look i was expecting! I quickly took a gulp of mine and realised something was not right! On closer inspection back at the tea hut, there was evidence of OXO wrappers near the hot water geezer when the menu clearly states ‘Bovril’ at 80p! This tarnished what was to be a memory to savour for Joe & i have had no other choice but to inform the trading standards & Bovril’s head office, woeful Ashton, just woeful.

Mel B. – one job you had Johnny, one job! Go to Milton Keynes buy a pie & a Bovril and report back! You turn up with a tiny FA Cup & a note pad you’ve had in your pocket for over a week with a pie report from a league game? This is a cup football pie chart? The last time you were at a Dons game you got a pasty & this time you didn’t get anything! Do you not want Milton Keynes on the leader board at the end of the season???

So anyway a visit to Ashton is on the cards for me & the BAPS as the pies seem to come up to scratch but the Bovril situation needs rectifying immediately. Poor Joe, it’s a shame i wasn’t there to pop his Bovril cherry & i can only hope it doesn’t put him off trying it again soon. I’m sending the boys off to Kidderminster for the next report let’s hope you get it right this time Johnny, DO NOT come back with a report that’s as fake as Kate’s BOOBS!

BBM Rating – Charlton (a pair of pies that would grace a national pie team, sorry Mr. & Mr. Neville)

Score out of 20 – 0 (league game pie, disqualified)

Mel B. – As the President of the Bovril And Pie Society & now owner of this domain name making me the BOSS of this pageI’ve sent the boys off to Ramsbottom today in hope they will come back with reports of fine Lancashire homemade pastry delights filled with tender chunks of meat & fresh fillings to have Delia re-writing some of her books, let’s hope our salad dodging pair do me & my BAPS proud.

18. The Rammy Rounder.

Rhino – i bring sad news on this festive fayre report, my good friend Tony 1 Leg has been seduced by Kate from the Beefy Oxo Over Bovril Society. I have had to edit Tony’s comments from the Pie-Ometer section as i don’t want him to influence any of our younger readers but as you can see in the photo Tony clearly needs all our help to overcome this terrible condition but after a promising email i’ve received from Kerry Katona help may be just around the corner! A Telethon is to be organised soon to give help to Tony & others like him, but for now my 1 legged friend just remember “once you’ve hit rock bottom the only way is up!” PLEASE stay away from Kate and her nasty BOOBS.

On with the Rammy Rounder! I’m going to have to disappoint you i’m afraid Mel as it was Holland’s Pies on the menu today, nothing wrong with a Holland’s or course but maybe it was the festive break that kept the local bakers from knocking up the homemade treats for the Rammy-Army. The meat & potato firm favourite had been cooked in an oven rather than a microwave to give Bert & Ernie extra points but it was impossible to tell if it had began the day frozen. Still trying to keep in the holiday mode i ordered mushy peas to give if a colourful top and a more jolly looking appearance, this made no difference to its usual solid performance it just looked strange. The Bovril you will be pleased to hear, was granules & served at the correct temperature but i had to drink both of them given Tony’s current mental state.

Mel B. – ok Johnny i’m going to cut you a little slack this time but only because it’s Christmas, from now on if there is only ‘trade mark pies’ to be had at the ground i will expect you to go out & find a local bakers & report from there… even if it means missing the match! I know you’re alone with this task at the moment and my thoughts & prayers go out to Tony and anyone else who is suffering from this awful & humiliating condition. I’m getting my BAPS out this weekend for a few new year drinks in the Pig & Ball Bearing and we will discuss how we can expose Kate’s BOOBS so the world can see just how low they are!

Not too much to say about the kitchen at Ramsbottom, Bert & Ernie seem to have things under control apart from the Christmas tree on the counter, girls like me prefer a nice big one to look at as we stand licking our lips deciding on what will fill us up best. A visit from my Bovril And Pie Society would help you out if you like guys? Follow me on twitter if you need any advice @MelBAPS1

BBM Rating – Defoe (a solid performing, dependable & reliable pie but with a weird, colourful new top giving it a strange appearance)

Score out of 20 – 12.8

17. The Woodley Woody!

Mel.B. – welcome to MY pie-ometer page! After last week when the boys dragged me off to Edgeley Park and told me it was just a one-off, i decided to take matters into my own hands and i now own the 1LegOnTheCup.com domain name so HA!

I’ve had my photo taken in the bath to show you 2 clowns what a real woman looks like! That skinny cow Beryl looks like she’s never eaten a pie in her life! So if you want your domain name back you better gag her for good.

I may have a few tasks for the boys before the season is over & i’ll make sure i have my camera with me for my FaceBook page (here) please feel free to join or follow me on twitter @MelBAPS1

Tony – after being told by Mel it was too cold for her to come to this game i was sent into the canteen to get the photo’s for this week’s pie review. A tricky little task as i was the only male in there!

The Rhino had gone back to the car for his coat leaving me alone trying to take photo’s in a room full of women eating… not easy! Got a cheeky shot of the governess bagging up a pie then got out of there rapid before the rest of the coven turned on me!… pies – £1.50. Bovril – £1.

Rhino – looks like i dodged the bullet not going into the cafe with the 1 legged man lol. once we felt safe we took the picture of the pie outside, it was the only pie left and it was a meat pie. it appeared to be some sort of Holland’s look-a-like but it was as hard  as a brick & i eventually broke into it using my keys. The inside suggested that it might of been quite good in it’s day but today was certainly not ‘it’s day’ a choice of Bovril cubes or granules was nice to see and there was also oxo available if you preferred. Not a great Sunday offering but better than nothing i suppose, good Bovril but a well past it’s sell by date pie that had to be thrown away.

Mel B. - Tony was right, far too cold for me to get the BAPS out for this game so armed only with the info given to me – i can see the cafe is a bit like the canteen from ‘Prisoner Cell Block H’ on both sides of the counter! Too much space taken up by chocolate bars & crisps on the counter top means the Modena pie warmer is surrounded by clutter, probably why the contents are being mistreated. The Guv, knocking out the goods, seems competent enough but you can’t sell something that’s obviously too far gone. Points earned for Bovril choices but as the founder member of BAPS i can only tell you to keep the oxo for stock the next time you knock a casserole up.

BBM Rating – Heskey (well past it’s shelf life & someone should keep it away from the general public)

Score out of 20 – 8.3  

Bathing Beauty Beryl’s Pie Chart

Keegan – a high score as she will passionately LUV IT!

Warnock – Not bad but usually something to complain about.

Mancini – seem to have all the right ingredients but clueless as to how to put them all together correctly!

(Look out for other football related analogies in Beryl’s pie chart)

16. The County (Christmas) Cracker

Disturbing news from this week’s pie report page as an ‘alleged’ incident involving Beryl & a Mr. Lovegash from Salford was brought to our attention after the recent 1 Leg On The Cup staff Christmas party. I would like to take this opportunity to inform Mrs. Lovegash that a full internal investigation is now underway involving everyone who was present at the Pig & Ball-Bearing on the night in question but unfortunately i must decline your offer to appear on the Jeremy Kyle Show as a way of resolving this matter. I would also like to take this opportunity to assure Mrs. Lovegash that my parents were legally married for 4 years before i was born and i can tender proof of this if needed.

The Rhino has had a legal document drawn up to silence Beryl during the investigation and the hurried photo taken of the him giving cash to Mrs. Lovegash is for a round of drinks and cannot be used as proof that a ‘pay off’ has taken place in an attempt to make him change his statement given to the Police on the night or the owner of the livestock involved in the alleged incident. A staff member from the Pig & Ball-Bearing who wasn’t on duty on the night in question has offered to step in and rate the pie for us this week , so a big thank you & hello to Mel B. As the president of the local Bovril And Pie Society Mel should know her stuff! Let’s hope so…..

Tony – following on from my thoughts on Stockport County the tuck shop also seems to be punching above its weight! A whopping £2.80 for a Wright’s meat & potato and with Bovril served up at a mighty £2 a cup this will be the most expensive half time nosh we’ve come across to date. My first thoughts after seeing the price list & then glancing over at the staff behind the huge counter are:- ‘should the cast of Byker Grove be entrusted with all that money?’ but after chatting with the 2 young lads that served us, it seemed all was ok as there was some sort of ‘Scrooge’ type of person keeping an eye on the kids and the cash. Can this Wrights be better than the one that floored me at Nantwich? Let’s find out…..

Rhino – As i am currently gagging Beryl, i want to give Mel B. A very warm-hearted welcome to the 1.L.O.T.C. pie-ometer section. As the president of the Bovril And Pie Society Mel should prove to be the perfect guest reviewer, i have had my eye on Mel & her B.A.P.S. for some time now with the idea of a combined pie reviewing in mind. Mel came to Stockport for this one but told me it was a bit too cold for her B.A.P.S. to be out and it was only a guest spot anyway, well if you want the job on a more permanent basis 1 Leg will insist on the photo in the bath i’m afraid. :-(

Today’s pie, well apart from it being very expensive it was surprisingly rather good, i say surprisingly as Wright’s pies are supposed to be one of the best out there but sometimes when you’re expecting greatness you end up with disappointment as it lacks in performance, depending on the mood i suppose. As you can see in the photo, Daniel – modelling today’s pie, is showing the fluffy, flaky puff-pastry on the top of the pie. This has no place on any savoury snack as one bite into this sends the surrounding flakes shedding all over the eater, the Bovril was well presented in its fully advertised paper cup and served at a good temperature & flavour so no need for BBM lessons today. Good effort Stockport….

Mel – thanks for the welcome boys i hope me & my B.A.P.S. are good enough for you, young Jack was more than happy to show us the goodies in his Victor Hot Cupboard and why wouldn’t he? Jack looked just as scrumptious to me as Daniel did modelling the pie! I asked the boys if they wanted to come back to mine after work for a spit roast? but they told me they get discount on the food left over at the end of the day so they we’re fine??? :-( i can see working with 1 Leg & the Rhino would be a tricky job to do on a regular basis as they we’re now bullying the boys behind the counter as i was trying to review the pie, “this is very distracting” i shouted at them trying to defend the cuties behind the counter “leave my Jack & Danny alone!”   i was told i’m only here for one game & to shut up….. we’ll see about that boys!

Mel B. Rating – Rooney (expensive, good & bad days with a shedding false top)

Score out of 20 – 16.9

15. The Barnet Bruiser 

Tony – well it seems to be Pukka on the menu again today, that coupled with crowd control barriers to form an orderly que in the canteen are going to score low on the rhino-ready-reckoner, so the Bruiser isn’t off to a good start.

The prices aren’t too bad i suppose considering we’re in that London…. £2.20 a pie & 30 bob for Bovril makes it £3.70 for the full hit, so if we can drag Beryl away from Lawrie Sanchez’ locker and see if she can help turn that frown upside down on the Rhino’s dial…

Rhino – a box of matches tells you on the side “contains at least 48 matches” Pukka pies should have a similar sort of thing. The statement “chunks of chicken” should include the words “at least” and the number “4” as once again my fork is coming up empty as the creamy content of my Chicken & Mushroom Bruiser is slipping through the prongs of my fork before it gets anywhere near my mouth! I want to believe the packaging but how can i after yet another miss-leading comment? I have written to Pukka on more than one occasion but as of yet no apology or even a response has been issued. The pre-packed Bovril was adequate but i didn’t offer the Foreign Exchange Student behind the counter any BBM advice as she was having trouble understanding me and also seemed a little scared of me too!

Beryl – ‘a little scared’? the poor girl was petrified! But then again i don’t blame her either with you 2 poking camera’s & god knows what else in her face! F.E.S. you seem to run a tight ship but you need to move that open bin away from the pies, anatomy classes are the only place you’ll find something tasty right next to a crapper! Most people enjoy Pukka’s but when you come across a couple of clowns like you did on Saturday it might be worth keeping a Hollands 4 pack in the freezer as an option. Not sure what foreign land you’re from but when you return please take our good wishes with you and remember… Always eat pies responsibly, never throw pies & never return to a pie once it’s gone cold.

BBB Rating – Blatter (unbelievable & outrageous statements without apologies)

Score out of 20 – 13.2 


14. The Salford Space!

Tony - we’ve not been to Salford City’s ground on tour this year so while we’re here we might as well review their pies & Bovril. A text from Burkey on our way to Salford tells me Peter’s pies are available so once i’ve checked the prices & took the photo’s are deadly duo will be good to go! But wait… what’s this…????  Surely not Salford City…!!?!??!!

Rhino - well this day was going to come sooner or later but to be honest i thought it would be when a canteen had sold out of stock rather than just not bother opening! But fear not dear reader… the Rhino to the Rescue once again. As part of any football fan’s survival kit i obviously always carry a twin pack of Asda’s mini pork pies & a couple of Bovril cubes  with me wherever i go, so all that was needed on the night was hot water and a couple of mugs or even polystyrene cups! Crisis averted my 1 legged friend.

Beryl – a couple of mugs? Well my first thought wasn’t the drinking kind as the oversized Ant & Dec sent me off in search of a kettle. The little fella behind the bar seemed more concerned about serving his friends beer rather than what other people wanted, just look after you & your own eh? So ok, Johnny had a back-up plan for this type of occasion but i’m not rating an Asda mini porker or Bovril you’ve brought with you. I can’t comment on the staff or the kitchen either as it was a barman behind a bar, come to think of it… what the hell am i doing here?

BBB Rating – Redknapp (sell out!)

BBB Score out of 20 – 0

13. The Northwich Nosher (2nd Bite)

A full on pie hut that was big enough to take on all the fans in one go! Burgers, Chips & other greasy snacks are available but there must be an extraction problem or something as the staff seem to be slipping around like they’re on ice, if fact i lost my balance when taking the photo of our silver-standard duo behind the counter! Still it’s the pies & Bovril we’re here for and even though the menu board is a bit vague, i can report that the pies are £1.50 & beefy stuff is £1. So you & your other half could dine out here for a nice round fiver… BARGIN!  Let’s see what our pie eating pair make of it……

Rhino – Been a while since i’ve had one of Greenhalgh’s Pies,and once again i find i’m asking myself “why has it been so long?” keeping a low profile the Greenhalgh meat & potato always gives a high performance and this was no exception even with the polystyrene tray option. The staff were friendly and receptive to having their picture taken (even though 1 leg did balls it up!) and seemed happy in their work. I didn’t see the Bovril being prepared but as the young lady only looked about 12 and i thought it best not to talk to her without a consenting adult present but it was an adequate compliment to the pie, once again… nice nosh Northwich.. thank you.

Beryl – “nice nosh???” there’s 2 years of counselling ruined i can never get back! anyway i’m glad you 2 clowns have been to review this pie again, you was totally unfair last time. The “Northwich Nosher 2nd Bite” will replace the previous score come the end of the season.

A slippy floor is never good in the pie selling world and the staff should get it sorted rather than sliding about like Torvill & Dean! YOU CAN NOT SLIDE when you’re dealing with pies. Other than that everything else seemed ok, the deep fat fryer was at a good distance from the PW50 warmer, and i noticed some good shelf-management in your display, well done. Torvill should wear something more baggy to attract more custom though, the poor girl looks like she’s smuggling peanuts & Dean has one of those faces that would suit some sort of hat…. just a thought.

BBB Rating – Scholes (low profile, high performance & can’t slide)

BBB Score out of 20 – 17.5


12. The Gate Goodie

we’re in Blackpool, the place where take-away’s are on every other corner with the humble pie taking a backseat. So how will the Squires Gate Goodie stack up for our connoisseurs? It’s a pie we’ve never come across before that’s made locally but according to Denise, the very nice pie lady & wife of the club secretary, she told me all the pies are “individually delivered” meaning some young fella taking 42 pies to the ground one at a time! Or did she mean wrapped? Anyway, £1.60 gets you filled up and with a bucket load of Bovril granules behind the counter…. let’s find out

Rhino – mmm tricky this one, Denise has a very impressive ‘Victor HC30MS Hot Cupboard’ tucked away in her little kitchen, one of these babies will set you back £875 before VAT so if the contents within aren’t up to scratch it’s a bit like seeing Paul Daniels sat in a Ferrari. The pie itself was a little on the small side with a firm pastry, a bit too firm for the plastic fork – fingers were needed mid-pie. Not much meat on show once inside and some sort of spice to the flavour reminded me of my mum’s potato hash. The peas & gravy mixed together well and Denise was happy with the BBM i offered giving me the perfect beverage.

Beryl – ok Denise, nice pose for the picture but I’M the babe on this blog so back off!

So with that said, you really shouldn’t keep a warmer like the HC30MS tucked away in a corner, as i always say “if you’ve got the goods get ‘em out on display!” you cope really well in a small work-space and everything looks clean & tidy although cluttered. Individually Delivered? Spice? This sounds a bit mad or even crazy when you’re talking about pies but i can only work with the information these 2 idiots give me. sounds like you have the Bovril sorted out though, of late i’ve been swayed towards OXO and have been asked to join a society of OXO lovers or something like that so it might be worth giving that a try?

BBB Rating – Holloway (in Blackpool, small & spicy with crazy delivery)

BBB Score out of 20 – 14.6

11. The Dons Delight

On offer today are various outlets all selling the same thing.. Pukka Pies! Avid pie fans will know that ‘team 1 Leg’ is not a lover of this particular brand but on a day that has seen some hidden bushman-like skills come from the Rhino, he has spotted a peppered steak pasty for sale from “The Phat Pasty Co.” So let’s see how our pampered pair chow down on this peculiar pastry. But BEWEARE guys… wallets at the ready…. it’s folding money only looking at those prices!

Mearsie – well my 1 legged friend was right, a whopping £4.60 for a pasty & a Bovril is certainly top of the price tables to date. The pasty started off quite well though, a nice firm & tasty pastry with excellent folding skills shown around the edge to seal in the filling. Alas once inside the filling was a little disappointing with not many pieces of meat to be seen and only a hint of the pepper that was promised on its wrapping. 2 thirds in and things got better, with meat now visible the pepper made its appearance. In short.. anyone eating a Phat Pasty should remember to eat it at an angle of 23 degrees or less to avoid content-slide. Adequate Bovril as i’ve come to expect from the household name.

Beryl – i can’t believe you 2 went down there without me! i want to re-negotiate my contract! In fact… just pay me what you owe me!!!! anyway… a pleasant looking couple behind the immaculate counter never stopped smiling as they ‘take’ your money, but then again Tony & Johnny are a couple of Northern tight-arses anyway! Phat is a new brand on the market and well done to Bonnie & Clyde on the sales pitch they use when urging you to buy one. Slippery filling is something my sister seems to suffer with although she’s never told my why? Must be a similar type of food.

BBB Rating – Beckham (Expensive, very good looking that started well, a bland spell in the middle but burst back into life at the end!)

BBB Score out of 20 – 0 (it wasn’t a pie!….. it’s called a ‘pie’-ometer! the clue is in the title…. idiots!)

10. The Oldham Offering

We’re in the ‘away end’ at Oldham but i’m presuming that prices and selection are the same all around the ground. The double ‘O’ comes in at £2.50 which is a bit steep but then again if it’s good then it’s worth the money. No peas or gravy on the menu so you just have to have it as god intended, and with pre-packed Bovril for£1.60 in advertised cups it all depends on the amount of water added to determine the flavour. Let’s see what our dynamic duo make of it all….

Rhino – well, i asked for 1 steak & 1 meat and potato to find they had already sold out of the later, surprising as i was one of the first in the que. I’ve tackled a few Clayton Park’s in the past so i had some sort of idea what i was in for and it didn’t disappoint, firm enough pastry that the pie can be consumed one-handed without it having that cardboard feeling which of course leaves your other hand free for Bovril – balance & blowing. Plenty of meaty chunks in rich gravy made for an all round satisfying half time re-fuel. One minor complaint i had was that none of the 3 Stoogies serving tonight seemed at all interested in my lesson on ‘the perfect Bovril’ you missed out there guys.

Beryl – ok lads, the meat & potato is probably the most favourite of pies ordered at half time and for them to be ‘Redknapp’ (sold out) this early on is a cardinal sin. i don’t like having ‘not quite the same’ replacements forced upon me especially when there’s only one to choose from. I notice you have the huge 3 tier Pantheon but as i told my ex boyfriend “it’s pointless having something good to look at if you can’t fill her up!”. The Bovril was ok but only because Johnny told you to stop when you was about to add too much water, note- when someone offers you BBM it means Better Bovril Management not something to do with your Blackberry! Still we can all learn from our mistakes even my ex boyfriend now drives a Prius instead of that flash Jaguar.

BBB Rating – Arteta  (over priced last minute replacement when there was nothing else to choose from)

BBB Score out of 20 – 16.5


9. The Tiger Treat

Well on this VERY SPECIAL DAY we’re at Hyde FC for a special pie review. The Tigers are taking on Droylsden’s Bloods in tonight’s Manchester Premier Cup tie, a ‘fools gold’ of a competition and The Rhino has told me to keep a few reports back for the pie-ometer so we don’t have to review the same ground’s offerings twice on the road to Wembley. Logistical genius the big fella! ‘Sally Cinnamon’ is knocking out the Tiger Treat tonight although i’m told ‘She Bangs The Drums’ in her spare time! Looking at the notice next to the canteen she’s not off to a good start with limited stock so will she have enough to go round? Or will she need the ‘Second Coming’ of the pie delivery guy??

Rhino – ok, for those of you that don’t get the above… my 1-legged friend is extremely happy about today’s announcement that the Stone Roses are getting back together and are touring next year. On to the pie, Sally offered me a broken meat & potato pie at the knocked down rate of just £1 after assuring me there was nothing else wrong with it so i tucked in. The foil tray was a must for this one as it was falling apart from the off, the pastry was difficult to handle once the broken top had been removed, an obvious flaw with damaged goods. A decent amount of meaty filling as well as potato and It came at a good temperature well maintained by the Lincat. Sally seems to have listened to my recording on perfect Bovril as it was perfect on the night.

Beryl – a bitterly cold night at Ewen Fields may have swayed Johnny on this review, knowing him as i do he would of rated anything hot & wet highly on a night like this (she says remembering last year’s xmas party ;-) ) however i have a few things to point out. Sally seemed to be coping quite well in a very cluttered kitchen until ‘help’ arrived in the shape of the local undertaker! I know most non league grounds rely on the help of local people working for free, but an undertaker selling pies? Is that really such a good idea Sally? I’m sure he’s a very nice chap but maybe car park duties would be better suited for him. As we all know pies are an essential part of football and offering them at a knock down price because they’re damaged just isn’t on, you wouldn’t sell a half eaten hot dog now would you young lady!?

BBB Rating – Owen Hargreaves (although broken it comes at a knock-down price but is still pretty good)

BBB Score out of 20 – 14.8

8. The Glossop Gobbler

Made locally and have sponsorship on match days the Glossop Gobbler is the best we’ll get on tour, or so we’re told anyway! Everything seems to be going well on arrival at the Surrey St. Tuck Shop with plenty of stock & variety as well as an ample supply of pre-loaded Bovril. £1.30 for the pie with peas & gravy at 30p each the full experience comes in for less than £2! No wonder Beryl re-arranged her birth control injection appointment for this one….

Rhino – well this is it, when i seen ‘Glossop’ on the October email Tony sent me i’ve been counting the days! First impressions are a good looking pie with textured peas in a rich gravy presented with friendly service from the staff, lifting the lid on this bad boy reveals the contents that again look superb. Fork penetration was surprisingly easy and the pieces of meat were tender enough without that fall-a-part factor you get with stewing steak but i’m afraid it all ends there for this pie reporter, although it was nice i think the bar has been set too high for this one and it just didn’t live up to the hype for me, it seems to be living on past reputation and i was left feeling a little let down.

Beryl – all looks well in the canteen and like Johnny i’m looking forward to this one, so much so i’ve put off a small medical procedure as i don’t want to risk the sickness side effects that come with it. A great pie warmer with a large stock of pies with good labels on the front, although i’m not convinced about madras or Balti style pies but each to their own i suppose. My opinion is much the same as my pie munching mate has stated a good all rounder but not the best out there. Pre loaded Bovril was a touch on the weak side but that’s easily rectified with less water, still a good effort from Glossop with their Gobbler

BBB Rating – Tevez (although still good it wants past reputation to be enough for it to be first choice)

BBB Score out of 20 – 16.7

7. The Nantwich Nibbler

Well… here we go again with another pie review, first impressions from the canteen at Nantwich Town FC is ok, the tea ladies were reluctant to tell me their names so for the purpose of this review they shall be known as 12 & 13. Wright’s, supply the pies to the Weaver Stadium for the Dabber’s half time treats but at £2 per pie, gravy at 50p, peas at a staggering £1 this makes for the dearest pie on tour so far! Bovril coming in at £1.20 a cup makes the full experience price £4.70… this better be good…..

Rhino – Although i opted for the Steak pie it was Tony’s meat & potato that i’ve reviewed with Beryl today,  for £2 it does seem bigger than the average pies on sale these days. Good pastry with distinctive pieces of meat & potato inside, although it did appear to have some sort of ‘spice’ in the flavour? There’s just no need for this in a M&P pie… maybe it was this that made my 1 legged friend so poorly. The peas & gravy were of good texture and colour separation was visible throughout, only when they were mixed ‘concrete style’ with the plastic fork did the colours merge making this pie reporter one happy chappie.

Beryl – mmmm 12 & 13 are selling very expensive pies and that means they must be top notch, i have written to Wright’s for a list of ingredients just to see what exactly had Tony retching like a dog all through the second half. One unhappy customer is one too many girls! Bovril served in branded cups is a nice touch and not something you see much at football grounds but this also leads you to believe they are pre-loaded with the beefy granules & i noticed Johnny had to re-stir half way through. It’s good to see you have the right consistency in the peas & gravy, and the pie oven seems big enough to cope with any half time demand but calling customers “ma-duck” far too often just seems a little over enthusiastic to me and as we all know… over enthusiastic pie sellers are usually hiding something.

BBB Rating – Torres (should get a much better return for the very expensive price paid – literally sickening!)

BBB Score out of 20 – 9.8 


6. The Sheffield Snacker.

Advertising the fact you’re the oldest club in the world leaves you a bit open for idiots like me to make the ‘oldest pie in the world’ remark if it’s not up to scratch, Sheffield FC offer Pukka Pies which are not our first choice brand when it comes to the half time bodily re-fuel so let’s hope tea ladies ‘X’ and ‘Y’ can make the Sheffield Snacker a real smacker for Beryl & the Rhino. Coming in at £2.50 with peas & gravy for the full experience with the extra £1 for Bovril it’s off to a good start…

Rhino – straight away i’ve noticed the Snacker has arrived upside down, this always makes for a difficult entry with a plastic fork as Pukka bottoms are rock hard, upside down pies also lead to the inevitable soggy top when served in gravy meaning the pie can only be judged on its filling alone. ‘X’ appears to be of an age where she should know this. i’ve had a bad encounter with a previous Pukka involving a morning off work for a trip to the dentist costing me £48! The peas & gravy weirdly complemented one another as the peas were very firm and had to be mixed with the watery gravy. Finally, ‘Y’ needs to use heaped t-spoons of granulated Bovril in cups of this size especially with winter just around the corner.

Beryl – Arse-up pies, silicone-style peas, see through gravy and weak Bovril… ! Not going too well for you is it ladies? Lets see if i can help, from personal experience serving someone ‘Arse-up’ is something best left for the bedroom, not half time at the match. Pukka’s need to be in a glass pie warmer so people can see what they’re buying first, giving them a fighting chance before taking the risk. A little more water in the peas is needed but no need for waste as you seem to be using too much in the gravy. Bovril granules are quite tricky to heap but ‘Y’ could always use the ‘1 & ½ spoon full’ technique if she finds heaping too hard. With that said, a great condiments offering including mint sauce and Kudos to you for banishing burgers & hot dogs to their own outlet on the other side of the ground. X & Y give a warm and friendly service and cope well in the small canteen but are heavily burdened by the dreaded Pukka Chicken & Mushroom pie that’s on the menu.

BBB Rating – Karren Brady (rock hard bottom, soggy top with the probability of nastiness on the inside)

BBB Score out of 20 – 11.4

5. The Northwich Nosher

Lovely club house at Northwich overlooking the pitch, with a well stocked bar and plenty of different foods on offer this would make a great way to watch the Vic’s at home on a cold rainy day. I’ve no idea of the price on the Northwich Nosher as they was laid on for us by Vic’s chairman Jim Rushe. Also apologies for lack of photo’s as i was trying to keep a low profile during our half time treat.

Rhino – yes this is by far the best yet, the Greenhalgh offering is kept & presented beautifully at Northwich a glowing example to other pie keepers as to how the job should be done. Served on proper crockery with the polystyrene option if you’re going outside, speaking of outside it was far too hot out there for Bovril but it was available. A quite excellent pie, well done Northwich.

Beryl – i think that Johnny & Tony are rating the Nosher with a somewhat biased opinion but i can only work with the information i’m given so…. really nice to know someone is giving the Greenhalgh the respect it deserves, perfect pastry with nothing nasty hidden inside just goodness through & through, can’t comment on the serving area due to shit-bag Tony not taking photo’s, and the Bovril wasn’t tested.

BBB Rating – Bobby Moore (looks perfect because it is! flawless inside & out)

BBB Score out of 20 – 18.2

4. The Laburnum Lovely

Crilly Park club house doubles up as the bar & canteen with the food on the far side of the room, with what appears to be a huge selection of pies & sandwiches. BE AWEARE this is not the case as most of the food on show is for the players & officials and is out of bounds for the likes of you & me. the short tempered serving woman wouldn’t tell me her name or who the pie supplier was, they look suspiciously like “Greenhalgh’s” pies of Bolton if you ask me and i have named her Rover (after the team of course)

Rhino – i’ve gone for the meat & potato at £1.75 today, there are no peas or gravy extras on offer but there is granulated Bovril. Rover served today’s offering from an old Lincat warmer which was doing it’s job fine. The paper plate however was certainly not! As i sat down with the pastry parcelled treat it had already started to crumble & leak it’s insides turning the plate into a very soggy pulp, the first pierce of my fork brought the total collapse of the pie and i was left to scrape the rest before the plate disintegrated. **WARNING** The Laburnum Lovely is NOT a hand held pie**

Beryl – Well it seems Rover needs to get her act together with a few simple changes.. 1, get some table cloths to cover up the food that has been set aside for the players. 2, disguise the fact you’re using a pool table – maybe with a flag. 3, stiffen up or at least double up on your serving plates. 4, do something about your cough. All the pies for sale looked in excellent condition in the Lincat but there’s no excuses for them falling apart the way they did, as Johnny mentioned if you was to try and eat this by hand you would end up with most of it up your sleeve… BAD ROVER!

BBB Rating – Gazza (started of fantastic & full of promise but then totally imploded and fell apart)

BBB Score out of 20 – 12.6

(*update* just had a tweet from @JoeBillGibbo informing me that the pies at Crilly Park are Dawsons Pies of Tyldesley… cheers Joe)

3. The Abbey Appetizer.

Yet another Holland’s offering but this time it’s priced at £1.30 without any extras. Kept in a ‘Pantheon PW1 pie warmer’ sharing shelf space behind a bar dispensing beers, wines & spirits. Not an ideal surrounding for pies but better than nothing.

Rhino – The first thing i noticed is the pie was advertised as “potato & meat pie” rather than the conventional “meat & potato” so i like the honesty from Dave & his staff in the Abbey Hey club house. Presented on crockery but with plastic eating irons i’m told if you want to take the pie outside the plate stays behind. Oxo only makes this half time treat just fall short of a European spot in the league table.

Beryl –honesty in a pie seller is a rare thing these days so i’ll rate the Abbey Appetizer the best i can without bending the rules too much. The Pantheon PW1 is a good machine but lacks the space needed for a half time onslaught of beer-bellied blokes all wanting pies, a fantastic selection of condiments almost makes up for the lack of peas & gravy, but it’s too far away from the PW1 and people need to see what’s on offer to accompany the pie before purchasing. Hollands’s are very experienced pies with a long history and pie sellers should know how best to move this hearty product

BBB Rating – Dalglish (with all that history & experience you should be doing much better)

BBB Score out of 20 – 15.5

2. The Chadderton Chomper.

at a reasonable price this Hollands fayre is offered at £1.50 with mushy peas & gravy 25p optional extras, coming in at £2.00 for the full experience it’s presented on a chippy tray with the peas to the side & the gravy over the top.

Rhino – “the crust was not as defensive as an Allardyce so it’s not been in the oven for days and the filling was the usual Skrtel sloppiness. Points awarded for stainless steel eating irons but points deducted for not having Bovril.”

Beryl – “taking Johnny’s comments on board i take a quick peek into the kitchen area before the final rating, my first thoughts are not too bad for the size of the place & equipment provided but then Derek, the tea lady, needs to be in an apron with a hair net and surely if your thumb is going to be touch-tight with the pie then serving gloves are needed. for the sake of a few quid spent on these products as well as napkins & condiments Derek and her kitchen could be a contender for the title.

BBB Rating – Wenger (if you spend a few quid you could be much better)

BBB Score out of 20 – 14.7

                                                             1.The Trafford Troff

Trafford FC offer “Peter’s Pies” on match day and this week i ask the Rhino to review the Chicken & Mushroom that comes in at £1.70 with peas & gravy 30p optional extras.

Rhino – “i’ve never been let down by a Peter yet and this time was no exception, the pastry was just the right consistency and the chunky pieces of chicken and mushroom complimented this half time treat perfectly. Each of the 47 peas on my tray was as tasty as the last as was the ladle of lump-free gravy. Tea ladies Gert & Ada assured me it was Bovril in the £1 beefy drink i ordered and they seemed genuine so i believed them.”

Beryl – “once again i use Johnny’s notes to make my final analysis, Yes, Peter’s are usually a real treat for gobblers like me and the softness of the chicken & mushroom made it go down easy. Gert & Ada run a tight ship and have been together for years as they seem to have a Keegan/Toshack-type of understanding of each other. A clean Kitchen with matching serving aprons and i can assure Johnny it was defiantly Bovril in his cup.”

BBB Rating – Klinsmann (very soft and goes down far too easily)

BBB Score out of 20 – 17.2

5 Responses to Pie-ometer

  1. Pingback: Step 2.. Trafford v Cheadle Town | 1-Leg On The Cup

  2. Pingback: Step 3.. Trafford v Northwich Victoria | 1-Leg On The Cup

  3. Pingback: Pie-Filler.. 3. Glossop North End v Blidworth Welfare | 1-Leg On The Cup

  4. Kate (B.O.O.B.S.) says:

    Johnny The Rhino is not perfect, I know he was tempted by the B.O.O.B.S on show at Ashton United, he loves OXO ha ha ha haaaa those boys will be mine!!!

  5. AB says:

    Some interesting ‘pie’ and ‘matchday’ costs for you to compare

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